In the months before I left Kazakhstan to return to America, I had a few recurring stress dreams about coming home. I would wake up, covered in sweat on my pull out sofa/bed, reassured by the sounds outside my window that I was still in Kazakhstan. In the dreams I was back in America and had realized I had made the wrong decision to come home. I would wake up happy to know that the time had yet to come for these feelings.
These dreams let me know even before I left Kazakhstan that I was going to have some problems adjusting. But to my surprise these feelings and problems are not at all what I expected. It’s not the physical things, like the foods I get to eat, or the luxuries now available. The things that are really shocking are the emotional aspects of my life that I cannot even fully explain. The feeling of being lost in a place that I call home, being unable to connect with friends, and the feeling of guilt due to my new ‘wasteful’ lifestyle.
There is no denying that after living abroad for two years in a foreign country that something about you changes. I don’t feel like the same person that stepped onto a plane with eighty pounds of luggage and aspirations to make a difference. Inevitably I have grown up emotional in the last two years and learned new things about myself along the way. The problem is that the people at home didn’t undergo this change. My friends and family have experienced their fair share of changes in the last two years, but not quite in the same way. I am not trying to belittle their lifestyle or choices, it’s just not the same as mine.
There are many aspects of my Peace Corps experience that I cannot talk about with others. It’s not because they don’t care (which many people don’t), it’s just that they don’t get it. And how could they? How can you explain to someone how it feels to attend your first local party and speak in exclusively Russian? Or what the sensation of negative forty degrees Celsius feels like on your exposed cheeks? Or more importantly the feeling of ambivalence about whether or not you would rather be in America or back in Kazakhstan. Most of my friends and family will never understand the concept of having to leave behind, most likely for the rest of your life, deep friendships that you have cultivated over two years. They will never feel embarrassed for doing something culturally inappropriate in their own culture. So how exactly do I connect with them?
I cannot help but feel less useful and purposeful in my life here. What I was doing for the last two years was important and noble. What I do now seems more like a pathetic joke.
It has been more than three months since I have arrived back on American soil and I am still trying to figure out if this is where I belong. I enjoy what I am doing here and enjoy being able to see family and friends, but I still feel lost. I don’t really know if this feeling will ever go away, but I hope that maybe it won’t. Because as much as I hate feeling like an outcast here, it’s nice to have a little perspective.
2 comments:
Hi Jenny, I'm glad to see your blog. From your Facebook posts I suspected that you were having adjustment problems. This is a great way to deal and hopefully your friends and family will get a better idea of what you are going through. Is there a Peace Corp group you could connect with, with people who would share your experience? In some ways, it sounds like returning from war, except you're the only "soldier" from around here. thinking of you. robin
Hello,Dear Miss Jennifer!! It's really sad to hear that you feel like a Stranger...However, I understand you so much..I wish you would feel much-much better very soon. I just wanted to share my thoughts with you. The work that you have accomplished in Kazakhstan is extremely big. Having you as our volunteer was a great chance for me to improve my English, and just simply talking to you in English was enormous and interesting experience for me. And it's not just for me, but for all the other students that met you and had an opportunity to speak to you..! I can not even imagine how much students did you meet!! =) So I just wanted you to know that everything that you did in our country, and everything that you taught us will always be with us, in our hearts, and in our memories. Thank you for being brave to come to Kazakhstan, and for sharing with us your life, and culture. Now that you are back in the US, it's totally uderstandable how you feel, and how you react. There's the difference. But you should not feel like a Stranger. It's YOUR home, it's your country. I think you should spend more time with your family , and with your friends..so that you don't feel alone. And DON'T feel alone, because you are not! your friends and your family are always with you..and me also..Thank you very much for everything. Hope you feel better very-very soon!!!!! Just don't worry too much, relax a little bit, take a breath, and you'll see how life is great. And also try finding the way to use your new skills,and to apply the knowledge that you've gained in KZ. Hope that way you'll feel better. Miss you very-very much. Yoyr friend, Altyngul(Kazakhstan)
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