Vou Zamozhyem? Вы Замужем?

Back Dated: November 24, 2008

In the last three months I have met a variety of new people. My own introduction has quickly become a robotic like statement that simply rolls off my tongue without effort or thought. I tell people my name, where I am from, and the statistics of my life on a daily basis. But one question I have yet to which I have yet to adjust is the incessant, vou zamozhyem? All this lovely question means in Russian is simply, are you married (technically I think it means do you have a husband, but let’s not get picky)? It is a question that I am asked literally on a daily basis. Usually this comes after my age. And the conversation goes something like this…

“Skolka vam lyet?” “—колько вам лет? ª (How old are you?)
“Dvatsat tree goda.” ´Двадцать три года. ª (I am 23 years old.)
“Vou Zamozhyem?” ´Вы Замужем?ª (Are you married?)
“Nyet.” ´Нет. ª (No.)
“Pachyemo?!?” ´Почему? ª (WHY!?)

After this part it varies. Occasionally I actually try to say something. This usually involves something like I am young or I don’t want to have children yet. This usually meets with stares of complete and utter astonishment, and of course incessant assurances that I am not young, but in fact already a spinster. I have heard stories from random strangers about how by the time I am 30 I should have three kids “this” tall. I have also been told I need to stop worrying about my job and start having babies before I am old. When I am feeling especially accommodating, I will say no I am not married yet. As if I am hoping that maybe just maybe, if I am lucky, some wonderful man will come bless me with a marriage proposal and the prospect of a bunch of screaming babies.

Yet, while this is strange, in certain ways it reminds of Detroit. It was a general assumption amongst my students for the first half the year, maybe even longer in some cases, that I was married and had children. They just were not used to seeing a 20 something year old without some babies hiding somewhere. But in the case of Detroit I wasn’t incessantly pestered with questions about my status or the status of my babies, nor was I told that I made bad choices. While some of my students might have thought I was strange for not wanting to get married young, they never expressed it to my face.

To an American, this is obviously pretty annoying. We are not use to complete strangers inquiring into our relationships and life choices. But in Kazakhstan, it’s fair game. If you have a conversation with someone on the train, on the bus, hell even in the street, you are more than likely to get asked whether or not you have a husband at home ( I think men also experience this but in a less intense way). The idea of personal privacy is just not understood in Kazakhstanian society. This might come from the history of nomadic society or something else, I don’t really know. All I know is that asking questions about things we would consider personal in America are considered normal and suitable questions.

In Kazakhstan, especially in the case of village folk, getting married early is the norm. I cannot really give you a typical age, because what I have seen isn’t necessarily the norm, but it seems that the early twenties is pretty normal (keep in mind I live in a city where western culture is more prevalent). But while this age may not seem that young you also have to realize it used to be younger. It seems westernization has increased this number in the last decade or so. I have met quite a few people that were married at 18, 16, etc. This earlier age is obviously pretty come in most developing countries, but its not the actual age that bothers me.

It’s not that I don’t want to get married or that I think people who get married young are foolish, quite the opposite. I have no problems with people getting married young and know quite a few very happy young couples in America. I suppose my problem is rather the incessant reminder by people I know that I am unmarried and the clock is ticking. It’s one of the cultural habits here that isn’t necessarily bad but simply bugs me sometimes. The lack of privacy and openness about ones personal life is not something I am use to in America. In the end I think this is one of the aspects of the culture here that will continue to bother me.